There are a few different directions in which I’m thinking of moving forward with this blog and other creative projects.
CODENAME: Project Diary
I still want a place where I can talk about stuff from my own life in a pretty unfiltered way. Selfishly, it’s a kind of therapy for me, plus my experiences can sometimes be helpful for other people.
I’d want to cover mental health, depression, personal development, and the ongoing exploration of a meaningful life.
I also want somewhere where I can be fully open and honest about my recovery from addiction. Not everyone I’m close to know the full extent of my recent drug problems. And for that reason, this Diary Project would need to remain at least semi-anonymous.
CODENAME: Show Me Da Money
I’m also really keen to explore various ways in which to make money online. I’ve been trying my hand at matched betting recently and have been successful.
I also want to review various products and services, providing my honest reviews. I’ll include affiliate links so I can earn some commission.
Really, I’d like this money-making project to be totally separate from Project Diary. I want to be able to share my product reviews on Facebook without fear that my father-in-law will find out about my drug misadventures and hunt me down with a shotgun.
Another core design goal for me: I want to be different from all the existing 10-billion websites trying to sell people stuff.
Sure, I will stick closely to my guiding principles of Truth, Honesty and Humility. I will never sell trash to people just to make a fast buck.
But being an honest salesperson isn’t particularly a unique angle. I need some other way to differentiate myself. Some clever branding trick which helps me stand out. I’ll keep mulling this over.
CODENAME: Don’t Kill Yourself
I’d also like to do something around suicide prevention. An old friend of mine killed herself around a month ago. And I’ve already lost far too many people to suicide in my lifetime. I want to do something more to help, but I really don’t know what.
I feel impotent on this matter.
It’s such an important topic, and yet, if I’m honest, there are plenty of other things in my life which feel more important right now. I feel awful for being so selfish, but it’s the truth.
I have one good friend who I feel is very vulnerable at the moment. His moods have been swinging wildly in recently months. He’s come close to suicide several times. I’m helping him by using my Samaritans listening training to try to be there for him. Really, giving him my time, attention and empathy – it doesn’t feel to me like I’m doing very much, though I’m sure my friend is grateful for my help and understanding.
Maybe that’s enough? Just being there for people in my life? I don’t know.
I’ll keep mulling over this one.
CODENAME: No-one Likes My Music
I’m perhaps a little unusual in that I’m in my 40s and I’m still just as passionate about new music as I was in my 20s. There’s tonnes of dance music and electronica which are a vitally important part of my life.
Music literally keeps me sane and keeps me alive. I listen to Spotify for several hours every single day.
Ironically, virtually no-one else seems to like the same music as me, which makes me feel a bit sad.
I want to do something creative in which I celebrate the music that’s important to me… But without annoying my friends with different music tastes.
When I share music on Facebook, I’m lucky if I get a single “Like”. It’s demoralising… and I don’t want to annoy my friends with stuff they don’t care about.
I’ll keep thinking about these different creative endeavours and how I might best progress them.
Fortunately, thanks to the 12 Steps, I’m an addict in active recovery.
That means I can’t take drugs ever again, or I’ll be on the fast-track to divorce and homelessness, or maybe even jail, institutions and death.
Fuck, I can’t even drink wine any more.
Cheeky glass of Barefoot White Zinfandel? Nope.
Comforting sips of delicious port over the Christmas holidays? Not a chance.
I love exploring different ideas and experiencing new things. Something I used to love to do was to smash my brain into a different dimension with my drug of choice, DXM. I’d lie on my bed, headphones on, listening to my favourite music. And what I’d experience would be totally out of this world.
Music sounds even better when you’re fucked on DXM. It’s fucking awesome.
But, like I say, I can’t do that any more. Unfortunately.
So, what’s the closest I can get to being fucked off my face and exploring other dimensions inside my own mind, but without taking drugs?
I listen to this mixtape every day. It’s now my favourite piece of music ever.
I want to avoid feeling sorry for myself. And equally I’m not going to push myself too hard either. It feels like the best route is just to be kind and gentle to myself, maybe keep myself pleasantly distracted.
“This too shall pass”
– Bollinger, R. (2019)
Music and videogames – two of my favourite distractions.
A few days ago, I fell in love with a track called Tell All Ur Friends by Greyhat. So I decided to check out his other work. And that’s when I realised I’d already heard and loved at least 2 of his other tracks.
Something about his music eases my pain, soothes my damaged heart. It makes me smile, gives me hope.
So, without further ado, I give you 3 amazing tunes from… Greyhat!
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Over on the Flume subreddit, it seems that Amber is a fan-favourite from his “Hi This Is Flume” mixtape release a few months ago. Even Flume himself said this track is special to him and will go in every single live set. He spent a long time getting the sounds just right.
(Watch & listen to the Amber music video on YouTube below)
According to the “Big 5” personality test (the most widely-respected way of describing someone’s personality according to modern psychology), I’m extremely high in Openness, I think the 98th or 99th percentile.
That means I’m very creative, which I do believe is the case (even if I didn’t believe I was creative at all until my late-20s).
I seek out novelty. I love new ideas, new sights, new sounds. I love exploring. And, on the other hand, convention bores me.
Flume reminds me a little of a modern-day Aphex Twin – exploring sounds, having fun.
He doesn’t give a fuck about sticking to musical conventions. In fact, he often seems to go out of his way to defy convention.
But he’s not an anarchist. His music isn’t just noise. It’s awesomely beautiful… and Amber is a fantastic example.
For me, Amber does that strange spiritual thing where it aligns all the components of my being… Mind, Body, Soul, Higher Self, Conscious, Unconscious… however you choose to describe them all.
It takes me to another place. It makes me feel like me – the best parts of myself.
I love Flume because his music makes me deeply happy.