I’m in a bit of a strange place this morning. I’ve noticed several things which don’t feel quite right in the last couple of days. It’s enough to make me say, “Hold up, what’s going on here?”
I’m finally starting to feel a bit better after having the worst cold of my life. Sounds dramatic I know, but this one has been a stinker. And yet, now my health is improving, I feel kinda generally deflated, when I ought to be feeling pleased.
Things which usually feel enjoyable are starting to feel a bit “meh”.
The money-making website I’ve talked previously about wanting to set up, it now feels just kinda icky and unpleasant.
I seem to have lost touch with what exactly I’m doing with my life. I’ve been so busy focussing on the next task, ploughing on regardless. I’m definitely putting in lots of effort and (hopefully) moving forward, but is it in the right direction? It’s time to look up and take in my surroundings.
Due to selling various items on eBay and Facebook, the area around my computer desk is feeling cluttered. Usually it doesn’t bother me when things get a bit messy, but right now it feels overbearing. And why is it that the more I sell, the more stuff seems to accumulate?!
Two different companies gave me money yesterday. I’d been half expecting it in both cases, but it still should have been a pleasant surprise… but it left me feeling flat.
I’ve been getting strong urges to escape from the present moment, mainly by just staying in bed. Being ill doesn’t help.
My feelings of disgust towards any form of marketing or manipulative behaviour are at an all-time high. All my heroes are totally honest and authentic. They ruthlessly self-assess to see where they’re going wrong and they course correct. So when I encounter people being arrogant, or deceitful, or selfish, or manipulative, it’s triggering major feelings of disgust.
In the last few days, whenever I encounter people trying to make money as their top priority, it makes me feel a bit sick.
Or again, is this just a reflection of my own internal state? Am I feeling a bit disgusted with my own recent focus with making money? Is it me that has lost his way and needs to reflect on his real values and priorities? Quite possibly.
I want to try to understand where all this is coming from. Is it all just because I’m a bit tired and ill?
Is my disappointment really with myself – and I’m just projecting it outwards?
Where do I want my life to go? What are my goals and priorities? How am I doing in terms of my progress towards them in 2020?
Am I busy making lots of noise and mess and problems for other people, rather than actually making others’ lives better?
Right now, I don’t even know where to start to answer all those questions. So instead I’m gonna escape and play some videogames for a bit. And watch hilarious clips from classic movies like Team America: World Police.
(Yes, I’m an incredibly lucky man. Maybe I just need to stop whining and practice more gratitude).